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hermionejg:

fishingboatproceeds:

ohcurtains:

ofgeography:

so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!

here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:

disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.

sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.

so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—

here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:

  • it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.

so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.

EXCEPT, OF COURSE:

  • you have to pay for pay per view.

so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”

  • AS A FAMILY.

and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.

"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"

as a reminder, a quick table survey:

  • my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
  • my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
  • my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
  • me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography

silence.

my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”

silence.

my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.

my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”

  • WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?

"don’t expose my kid to that crap."

  • DON’T
  • EXPOSE
  • MY KID
  • TO THAT CRAP

"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."

  • I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
  • IN THE LIVING ROOM

but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • i did not want to go to porn prison

the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:

  • my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
  • my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
  • my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences

but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?

  • are you fucking kidding
  • this is the best thing i’ve ever done

what an amazing story

Wow.

Someone get this lady a book deal because I want to read Tolstoy length books by her.

(Source: bellecs)

uniquepain:

kanayahummel:

theperksofbeingdornish:

ohanameansfamily24:

-behindbars:

the-grand-highboob:

thusmylife:

b1ush:

condescendingchristian:

image

oh my god

As a person from California, this is 100% accurate

As a person from Michigan, this is 100% accurate

As a person from England I was so confused because I forgot you use the Fahrenheit system 

50 degrees in England 

100 degrees in England


 

I don’t know why I found the skeletons so funny, it’s almost like they’re dancing really sarcastically?

they’re british skeletons of course they’re dancing sarcastically. 

(Source: typicalmichiganders)

Seriously?

My family loves their food fried… I don’t. I usually bake everything but god forbid I do that to the damn family meal. So I guess you all want heart disease… 

While I’m at it… BEING POOR FUCKING SUCKS! I can’t afford the good food because it’s too freaking expensive. Want enough apples to last longer than two weeks (as they do tend to last awhile)? What? $20+ that many pounds of apples? What you want bananas? Guess you better go sell your liver on the black market. 

Yes, I’m over exaggerating, but the point still remains… why are healthy food so freaking expensive? You would think they’d be cheaper. 

When we do buy healthy food, it’s gone in two days because aholes in my family think it’s candy… It’s natures candy, but STILL! 

I can’t freaking wait till I can live on my own, where I can have my own damn food. And my fucking blood pressure return to fucking normal, because it’s not coming down here… I’m SO FUCKING SICK!

I Might As Well…

I know I have said this a million times, but I am going to get back into the habit of doing yoga. My stress level is at an all time high, they have me on high blood pressure medication, and honestly, I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and take my health into my own hands.

Starting when I wake up in the morning, I’ll be doing my first yoga routine in about a year. 

I am also starting a 30 day challenge to drink water instead of soda or other sugary beverages. I will allow for tea and coffee, and that will be it. UNLESS I’m having a low blood sugar instance and need to boost my sugars quickly. I will keep record of my weight and I will take a picture each day of my face to see if there is any improvement complexion wise (I have acne and what not… Don’t believe them when they say that you’ll stop having acne after puberty. Some of you will, some of you wont, but just remember that you need to be yourself!).

The main reason for the water challenge, other than my health, is that I have my senior pictures (I’m in college, so this is an important headshot photo as well for resumes) and I have a really hard time covering up acne and other scars as well. When I am good with the water, my scars lighten up as does my acne with clearing up. 

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